Marriage Trouble ~ I Do Not Know You Part 1

' “But he replied, ‘Truly I tell you, I don’t know you.’ “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour. ' Matthew 25:12-13

Marriage: On the Precipice of Divorce

(posted by permission from my spouse)

This spiritual insight from the Lord is very personal. Similarly, the Lord has communicated with me in the past through much of my writings, dreams, and poetry such as the Maturity Dream and Raggedy Rag Doll. Sometimes we need things to be personal for us to understand what God is trying to tell us or the body of Christ. Keep in mind, as you read this, that God uses marriage throughout the scriptures, in both the Old and New Testaments, to describe His relationship with us. Jesus is the husband, and we, His people, are the bride.  Understand that God uses words like adultery, harlotry, unfaithfulness, and idolatry to describe how the people’s hearts are turned away from Him.

The Trouble:

My husband Lewis and I have had some marital problems for some time now. I would say they probably were apparent from the beginning of our marriage. We met in 1982, and we were married in August 1983. However, over the years, with raising children, careers, and life in general, we have only recently addressed some of the glaring issues we have ignored or were unaware of until now.  

Recently, my husband and I had been discussing issues around our communication. To avoid getting into the weeds, I will just say my husband’s communication is much like that of many men in a marriage: he communicates with very few words, yes-or-no answers, and head shakes of agreement. On the other hand, I am more vocal, expressive, emoting, and emotionally present than He is. When talking, explaining, or expressing myself, I use about 4 times as many words as he does. I am quick to respond and can easily out-verbalize him. We have tried to address these issues by taking the traditional route: Christian Couples Counseling, books on marriage, devotionals for couples, etc.

I am pleased to say when we allowed Jesus to really reveal to us the issues in our marriage, real change and personal growth took place. I will share with you here one revelation God taught us in His Holy Scripture about our relationship as husband and wife, as a type and shadow of His relationship with us personally and as His relates to His children (His Church, His Bride)

The Situation:

My husband said he would work on specific issues covered during our marriage counseling. He said he would take the lead but never did. When reminded, he responded, “I dropped the ball.”  Another response was, “I see the light (understand) now; I get why it is important”.  But he never followed through. If I did not say anything, or remind him, I heard nothing, just the sound of crickets. This process was repeated many times, over a period of years. This interaction and process was probably a part of our marriage from the beginning.

 Finally, it was enough for me to stop believing his justifications and do something different for a change. I became weary of hearing the same excuses, the same reasons.

Repentance, turn away, a reminder, repeat, repentance, turn away, reminder, repeat,

God’s View: 

Just like Gods people failed to follow what they had committed to do, and God gave them chance upon chance, and they repented, turned away from God, and then repeated the same rebellion and sin…eventually God turned away from them and issued them a bill of divorce.

And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery, I had put her away and given her a bill of divorce; …. Jeremiah 3:8 KJV

Our Marriage View: So it is in a marriage; eventually the wife or (husband) will turn away, their heart grows weary, grieved and impatient, and they issue a bill of divorce to her/his spouse. I am the pursuer in the relationship. I initiated all counseling, all books, all discussion on how to help our marriage. My husband followed along but never really sought a true intimate relationship with me. He chose to be around me, claim me as his, sought my body, my presence, but not a relationship. Making a comfortable life together but not giving up his emotional self. Not permitting access to who He was emotionally.

God’s View: God through Jesus Christ pursues us like he did the Israelites and chose them out of all other people. He seeks an intimate personal relationship with us. But many of us seek what God can give us and what he can do for us. We don’t really seek to know Him; we are just seeking a ticket to “get out of hell.” Or better yet to be “raptured” so we won’t face persecution or tribulation. We want to live life as it pleases us and never really seek a true, authentic relationship with our Savior.

Our Marriage View: I could share myself emotionally, but he could not. The conversations were superficial, never truly revealing his heart. My husband is a great provider, gentle, kind, polite, respectful, but his heart always seems to be at a distance, just beyond reach. When I would press for more emotionally, and knock down a few bricks, getting a glimpse, he would quickly rebuild the wall via justification. “

God’s View: In the same way we can respond to God, praying, giving, all the niceties of religion, the Israelites’ hearts were distracted by the things of the world; their hearts committed adultery. The apostate bride’s heart is far from her God, Jesus (her husband), and becomes like the rebellious Israelites, turning their hearts away from Him. Erecting altars upon the high places of their hearts. Thinking they are protecting themselves, not trusting in the sufficiency of Christ.

This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; But their heart is far from me. 'Matthew 15:8 KJV

Our Marriage View: My husband was incapable of recognizing or acknowledging me emotionally, being fully present, or responding to my efforts to draw us closer. Rarely, if ever, was he fully present when needed, resulting in my taking on the emotional responsibility in the family, leaving me feeling abandoned and alone.

God's View: As the Israelites took God for granted and became complacent, their attention and affection for God shifted to the high places in their hearts. They began to build idols for themselves. Committing adultery with the images and idols of the world and within their own hearts, leaving no place for God, nor letting the Lord in, nor getting to know Him. Their ears became deaf and their eyes blind. (We never really take intentional time to get to know God, His thoughts, His ways, and receive His love)

'The LORD said also unto me in the days of Josiah the king, Hast thou seen that which backsliding Israel hath done? she is gone up upon every high mountain and under every green tree, and there hath played the harlot. And I said after she had done all these things, Turn thou unto me. But she returned not. … And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery, I had put her away and given her a bill of divorce; … 'Jeremiah 3:6-8 KJV

'How oft did they provoke him in the wilderness And grieve him in the desert! 'Psalm 78:40 KJV

Our Marriage View: Many times, I asked my husband who he was and if he even knew himself. He had set such a guard around his heart that he did not know or understand his own emotions. Resulting in his inability to respond emotionally to his wife and family. He built walls so high and strong that whenever anyone tried to push past them, he quickly rebuilt them, a kind of altar or shrine to his own heart. He believed the lies that told him to protect this part of himself from his loved ones and others.

God’s View: A type and shadow of the church that professes Jesus but never really knows Jesus. Saying I am a follower of Jesus Christ and belong to Him, but never really surrendering my heart to Him. Going through all the right motions, saying all the right things, etc. And never really having victory in their life. Holding on to lies, strongholds, and ways of thinking that are contrary to the word of God. Hindering their intimacy and relationship with Father God. Building walls, altars, and shrines that protect their hearts based on the lies we believe about ourselves and others.

And then your wife (or husband) tells you, "Depart from me…” I don’t know you.  And Jesus says, Truly I tell you, I don’t know you.” Matt 25:12

'And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity. 'Matthew 7:23 KJV

'Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels: ' Matthew 25:41 KJV

'Therefore I will judge you, O house of Israel, everyone according to his ways, saith the Lord GOD . Repent, and turn yourselves from all your transgressions; so iniquity shall not be your ruin. '

Ezekiel 18:30 KJV

Continued, See:  Marriage Trouble~ I Do Not Know You Part 2